How to feel ‘heard’ in a relationship without being a nag
For years I felt unheard in my relationships. It was like silent punishment. I just couldn’t get why my Partners never understood me and I was sooooo frustrated thinking I was ‘just too complicated’ and that no man would ever understand me. I would ask myself
‘Why can’t he meet me where I’m at’
Until I realised that the onus was on me to talk about my feelings.
Why? because as women, emotion is one of our core strengths! It comes so naturally to us that we don’t even need to think about. It’s like breathing.
But for men, its not built into their DNA like us. So if we want to be ‘heard,’ it’s our responsibility to communicate how we feel and WHY.
Otherwise, resentment builds up and an explosion comes down the track about something seemingly irrelevant. But it’s never about that thing. It’s always about this thing that you were harbouring from month’s before but never said because you didn’t feel confident, were too pissed off or didn’t want to rock the boat.
The thing is, Men simply don’t understand how sensitive we are. They can’t feel the frequency that we operate on. So a joke or some small comment to a man that seems harmless is actually taken personally by us.
Now what’s the solution…can we educate our partner about how we work? We can certainly openly and honestly communicate how we feel and why.
There’s a reason you’re sensitive to that comment. There’s a reason you’re getting upset. And it’s not the words he’s saying. Those words are just triggers. Firing off due to a past experience that you haven’t let go of. And once you understand what the REAL reason is that you’re getting triggered, you can resolve that. And then guess what happens, those old triggers don’t fire you up anymore.
Ask yourself this question:
How is that a problem for me?
And when you’ve answered that, keep asking ‘And how is that a problem for me.’ Until you get to the Root Cause which you’ll know because there will be a strong charged emotion about something from the past.
Once you’ve identified it, openly and honestly communicate WHY what he said was a problem for you.
Here’s the clincher though – Without Blame.
Communicate to your partner how you feel without blaming him for ‘making you feel that way’. Because he’s not making you feel anything. He’s simply touching on a sensitive part of you that is reacting. And that’s what you want to explain to him.
Let me give you an example:
Your partner says something that he considers to be a joke. You take it personally. You get annoyed. He tells you it’s just a joke but you can’t let it go. You start withdrawing affection. He feels rejected and unloved because affection is his love language. You then blame him for making you upset and he gets pissed off at you for taking it personally.
Let me give you an alternative:
Your partner says something that he considers to be a joke. You take it personally. You get annoyed. He tells you it’s just a joke but you can’t let it go. You begin asking yourself ‘How is X (insert what he said) a problem for me’ and How is X (insert pervious answer) a problem for me’. Keep going until you get to something with a charge. Something like ‘what it means about you.’
Then try this little formula with him…
“When you said X, I felt (Y emotion) because I believe (insert what you figured out about yourself) and I would prefer it if you would (ask for what you’d like in a positive respectful way).”
By doing this, you’re taking responsibility for how you feel and the reason why you reacted. PLUS you’re now giving him the opportunity to respond.
Upside of this conversation? You’re creating an intimate connection by being vulnerable enough to share how you really feel and if he comes to the table, you’re relationship will go to a deeper level. This is how you create intimacy in a relationship, feel heard and stop sweating the small stuff!
With so much love x
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