5 Ways To Avoid Being Stood Up
Last Sunday night I went on Triple J’s ‘The Hook Up’ to talk about How To Avoid Being Stood Up.
And before the show it really got me thinking about WHY people stand each other up and WHAT you can do to AVOID it.
Because let’s face it, it’s one of the worst dating experiences you can have right?
Standing there waiting for someone, looking around wondering if they’re going to turn up and then realising they’re not showing.
So you walk away sad, defeated, hating online dating and wondering why you bothered to put yourself out there in the first place.
Your self-confidence has really taken a knock and questions like ‘what’s wrong with me’ start to cross your mind.
Why Are People Standing Each Other Up?
Perhaps one of the biggest reasons is that “it’s not real until you’ve met”. Chatting to someone online who you’ve never met has a level of disassociation to it. You’re not emotionally invested yet as this person is just some photos and texts right now, so it’s easy to become detached and think it’s not really that big a deal to do that to someone.
Another reason is what I call The Grass Is Always Greener Syndrome. This happens when there is too much choice and you are chatting to many people at the same time so you figure once again that’s it’s no big deal because there’s plenty more around the corner who could be even better.
Both of these problems lead to a lack of commitment and actually make meeting ‘the one’ even more difficult.
What Can You Do To Avoid Being Stood Up?
1.) Be Selective With Who You Accept Dates From – Would you talk to this kind of person in a bar usually? Is this someone you’d normally accept a date from in person or are you adjusting your standards because it’s online and you figure it’s a numbers game. That approach is ok if you’re cool with getting the good and bad. Otherwise screening is key. That means using your intuition not just your logical mind. How do you feel about their photos, does their look resonate with you, how about what they’ve written? Would you be friends with someone like this? Otherwise why would you want to be a in a relationship with them?
2.) Speak To People On The Phone First – create the connection before meeting. Then you can gage their interest and see if you get along easily. If not, perhaps don’t bother meeting, it could just be awkward and could be setting yourself up for a shitty dating experience.
3.) Confirm Arrangements Before Meeting. If the other person doesn’t reply or sounds vague, then move on. You deserve better.
4.) Have Clear Boundaries – If they’ve already cancelled a couple of times, perhaps move on. Be clear on what behaviour is ok and what’s not. It could be an indication that they’re not that into it right from the get go, so don’t set yourself up for something that’s unlikely to work out.
5.) Look For Resonance – how they speak to you via text – how responsive they are – does the conversation flow easily? Do you have shared interests or mutual friends? These are all signs of compatibility and connection.
Here’s one very important thing to remember when dating. There is no rejection! Every experience whether good or bad, is just part of the process of learning about yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner. If you get a no from somebody you like, see if there were any ‘red flags’ you overlooked in their communication or behaviour. Things they said to you that could have indicated they weren’t that interested, incongruence in their words vs actions, take this as a learning about what doesn’t work for you in a potential partner.
The clearer you become about what does work, the more easily you will be able to see the kinds of people that resonate with you.
You’re essentially narrowing the pool of potential matches every time something doesn’t work out.
So be grateful you found out quickly they weren’t the right one for you before you became emotionally invested!
Online dating really is a fast track process for understanding exactly what you’re looking for. What might have taken years previously, can now take months if you’re a fast learner. You are getting feedback from multiple sources in a very short space of time about what works and what doesn’t work for you in a relationship. View this experience as a fun playground where you can learn so much about yourself and what type of partner is going to work for you. From this view point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain!
If though you’re at the end of your online dating threshold, it might be time to take a break and focus on increasing your self confidence and worth through self discovery and inquiry. Then, when you’re ready to date again, you not only feel better about yourself, you have more clarity about EXACTLY who you’re looking for. This speeds up the process ten fold.
Walking beside you.
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